so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
