The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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