My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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