at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
