I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
