wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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