I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
