You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
