It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
