how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
