sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
