When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
