Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
