I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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