At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
