Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
