When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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