We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
