I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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