My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
