Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
