I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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