I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
