I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
