i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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