capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
