i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
