I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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