I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
