? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
wow bdsm is so cute
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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