3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
