Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize