It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize