Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
