I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ladies don't puke and tell
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
