So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
