I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize