this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
