I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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