this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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