I smell stomach acid.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
