its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
