Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
