You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
