Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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