when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
