So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
