I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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