It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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