One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you will always have a special place in my vag
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Damn victory sex feels great
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
