dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
