just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize