I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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