Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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