I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
