Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
