I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
