wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
