Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
