I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
