I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
