I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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