Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
